10 PERFECT PLACES TO (NOT) HAVE THE NEXT OLYMPIC GAMES! A STORY INSPIRED BY SOCHI IN THREE PARTS (PART 2)…

It’s been three years since we explored the ten perfect places to (not) have the next Olympics, so we’re long overdue for Part II. As we all remember, Sochi was a pretty terrible place to have the Olympics, but as the old Russian saying goes, “That’s nothing a little doping and militancy can’t fix.” Here’s a few other examples of intriguing potential host cities for the next Olympic Games.

      1. Yelsk, Belarus

Belarus.png

No country could benefit more in a tourist boom than Belarus. After all, Belarus has virtually no visitors (there’s probably a good reason). It has so few visitors, in fact, that it does not even appear in most European travel books. When Belarus is ranked, or at least named in lists by country—i.e., list of countries by GDP or by access to healthcare, etc.—it usually appears near the bottom. It does rank highly, however, in lists of countries by sale of sex toys. It is also the number one country on the list of countries by shittiest luck. As some examples, here are some other lists Belarus tops: most civilians killer per capita during World War II, the most irradiated country in Europe, and the least democratic country in the “western world.”

“What do you mean by most irradiated?” Is a question potential visitors should probably be asking themselves right now. Well, potential visitors, just years before the collapse of the Soviet Union, another monumental structure collapsed—the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, located along Ukraine’s northern border with Belarus. Belarus actually took the brunt of the blow as far as toxic radiation is concerned, which is why most of the country’s southeastern region is completely uninhabitable. And while Belarus does not have visitors, land, food, or luck, it has even fewer citizens—or non-mutants, I should say. It’s population is continually decreasing, which is cause for concern as far as home athletes are concerned. It is, however, home to the Kostitsyn brothers, the Belarussian hockey players most famed for getting kicked off two NHL clubs, the Montreal Canadiens and Nashville Predators, for snorting cocaine and getting lapdances instead of practicing hockey (gay). Police in Montreal questioned the boys, who had once played for the Belarussian men’s Olympic hockey team. They asked why they had been partying long hours into the night, using elicit drugs and why they had phone connections to a mobster tied to a drug trafficking charge involving $100 million worth of cocaine, to which the brothers simply responded, that “[they] were simply being Belarussian,” before offering the police a bribe and snorting more cocaine.

Indeed, endless parties and interrogations are what you should expect when you arrive in irradiated Belarus. You might even catch a glimpse of Belarus’s supreme leader through the screaming and bleeding uprising at the local orphanage or breadline. Perhaps the only dictator-president better suited than Vladimir Putin to lead the charge of the Olympic Flame is Putin’s friend (so you know he’s a dick) and Belarussian president, Alexander Grigoryevich Lukashenko. Better known and more easily referred to as, “Europe’s Last Dictator,” Lukashenko ran in 1994 in the country’s inaugural election on a platform to “defeat the mafia against the Conspiracy of New World Order and Zionism”—making him about as qualified to be president of a country as Alex Jones. He has been president ever since, despite his country’s failing economy. Belarus’s president has since then been making all of his opposition mysteriously dissappear for the last twenty years—translation: Belarus brings home the gold! Indeed, for those of you looking to have your head bludgeoned in with a metal club by a large strange man in a riot squad uniform while standing in a bread line, you ought to make Belarus your number one Olympic Games destination.

      1. Santiago de Cali, Columbia

Columbia

Columbia is basically fucked. They have the longest running civil war in Latin America and have been in complete turmoil since gaining their independence. One in every three kidnappings in the world takes place in Columbia. And Santiago de Cali, a city of over 2 million people, leads the world in robberies and other violent crimes. That they are the cocaine capital of the world is probably a complete coincidence. Speaking of cocaine, I think that this drug should be permitted if the Olympics were ever to be held there—could you imagine all the world records athletes would break?!

While you might think of Columbia as a Summer Olympics destination, Colombia actually just made its Winter Olympics debut in 2010 when Cynthia Denzler competed in the Giant slalom—an event in which you slalom a Giant, from what we understand. Her finishing score of, “Did Not Finish” will not create high expectations. However, “home athlete” may also be going too far as Denzler was born in Santa Ana, California and her parents are Swiss. Denzler arrived in Columbia for the first time when she was 17 to live with her father, who I kid you not, was there to open a sweatshop. By all accounts, Denzler learned how to downhill ski at age 18, likely going down the tin rooves of the Caracas.

As with Kabul earlier in our list, there will inevitably be some security concerns hosting a world event and all the world’s pre-eminent athletes in a virtual warzone—but goddmanit Sochi has set a precedent! After all, in these post-9/11 days of terrorism-related paranoia, the Olympics will always be perceived as a target no matter where they are held. And the Olympics aren’t about hiding, now are they? No! They’re about being big and proud—and not gay apparently? So why not make themselves the biggest target possible and just place themselves in the most crime-ridden city imaginable? Sure, it might lead the world is rape and murder statistics, but the panoramic Farallones de Cali will make for a wonderful tobaggoning track and ski hill once we import some snow in from McMurdo Station.

      1. Auschwitz, Poland

Auschwitz

Athletes will be greeted by inspiration when they arrive to the Auschwitz Olympic Games, immediately confronted by the gates of Auschwitz I which reads, “Work brings freedom.” Because we shall never forget. And indeed, these would be unforgettable games. After all, for all intensive purposes I can only assume that the Jews would be hosting these Games. And nobody does entertainment and spectacle quite like the Jews. A quick preview: Woody Allen Jerry Seinfeld will be your host for the opening ceremonies.

First, all visitors will enter the Auschwitz Olympics by train. They will then be directed to security stations and asked to stand in front of a brick wall and to seperate into groups—parents will be seperated from children if need be—where they will be assigned their positions for the Opening Ceremonies, all for security purposes of course. They will then be guided to their chambers. The great thing about choosing Auschwitz for an Olympic host city, is that all of the housing amenities are pre-constructed. What better way to piss off the corspe of Hitler than by having multiracial athletes frollick around doing the rings in his death camps, which are to be renamed “friend camps?” Laugh if you will, the potential for positive change by way of these Games is enormous. We do not expect these Games to create world peace or to end war in the Middle East, and we most certainly don’t expect the Games to help the situation regarding Palestine, but the Auschwitz Games could be a historic moment of reconciliation between the Jews and dead Hitler.

Auschwitz, for reasons I don’t believe I will ever fully comprehend, has always been a bustling tourist destination. Tourists then can expect to feel right at home, as unlike Sochi, Auschwitz is used to hosting foreigners. You may be surprised to know that “Auschwitz” is not actually a city or locatable place, but simply the name of the concentration camp built by Nazi Germany. The camp itself is actually located in Oświęcim—a city you never read about in your history books or heard about from your history teachers because absolutely no one knows how to spell or pronounce it. You get the best of it all with Auschwitz as a host city, beautiful vistas, the world’s best athletes, Hawaiian t-shirts, the flip-flops, the barbed wire, the gas chambers, and so on and so forth.