10 Perfect Places to (Not) Have the Next Olympic Games! A Story Inspired by Sochi in Three Parts (Part I)…

With the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games already being referred to as, “the most corrupt games ever,” “the most dangerous games ever,” and “the least environmentally friendly games ever,” the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is now hard at work coming up with the next worst place possible to host an Olympic Games. While Rio de Janeiro, the first developing country to host the Games in its history, is set to host the 2016 Olympics (can’t imagine any problems arising there) and Pyeonchang set to host the 2018 Olympics (cough, cough), it looks like they are already well on there way. Not that they need any help, we thought we would give them a hand in coming up with the next 10 most Perfect Places to (Not) Have the next Olympics!

McMurdo Station

      1. McMurdo Station, Antarctica

New research from the University of Waterloo warns that the days of the Winter Olympic Games altogether may be numbered. By 2050, the study argues, more than half of the 19 previous sites for the games would be too warm to be considered as viable or practical hosts for the Winter Games. Most recently in Sochi and Vancouver, snow had to be imported into host cities and outlying event centres to compensate for unexpectedly warm and dry weather. Well if one thing is for certain, there will be no lack of snow in the first of our suggest places to (not) have the next Winter Olympic Games: Antarctica.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking: is Antarctica even a country? The answer is no! While it is technically considered a continent (barely), Antarctica’s only nationhood belongs to those who do research there. Thus, according to these conventions and the subsequent Antarctic Treaty of 1959, Antarctica is a continent and not a country, and one dedicated purely to science. So the host of the game would be science? How cool is that?! Maybe the ‘geek-off’ could makes it debut as an Olympic event?! But remember, as such, funding will likely have to come from a variety of countries—after all, all those countries who do not support the games financially would be required to state why they do not support science. And all of this yet just brings us to the neutral host city: McMurdo Station. Never heard of it? Neither had we! Not truly a city per se but rather an underfunded U.S. Antarctic research centre, it is Antarctica’s largest community and the only community suitable for the games. It is capable of housing nearly 1,500 people. This means construction would have to begin hard and fast in terms of infasctructure and housing, as that would only be enough beds to room one-tenth of all the performers in the Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. On the brighter side, the threat of terrorism will be erased with these Games, as no Arab person could ever survive these frigid temperatures.

So dress warm folks… or the weather will literally freeze you to death. Average mean temperatures in McMurdo Station are minus-ten degrees in February and blizzards combined with ‘white-outs’ have been known to wipe people away never to be seen again—making for the most entertaining Snow Shoeing you’ve ever seen at an Olympic Games! Get excited skiers and snowboarders! Falling ice shelves, unexposed endless gorges, and unpredictable avalanches along the so-called ‘killer pressure ridge’ will also lend an added exhilarating rush to events that have already made our hearts go ‘pitter-patter’ for years.

pyongyang-02

      1. Pyongyang, North Korea

   Not to be confused with Pyeongchang, the quaint South Korean ski-resort town and actual host of the upcoming 2018 Winter Olympics, Pyongyang is the North Korean capital and the last bastion of Stalinism in the modern era—and ultimately, one of the most perfect places to (not) have an upcoming Olympic Games! North Korea has long been a pariah of the international community for its continued proliferation of nuclear weapons, atrocious treatments of its own peoples, utterances of death threats to all possible neighbours and potential allies, and for being downright strange. But Hitler hosted the Olympics right? Why not Kim Jong-Un?

   Although it may have only three competing countries—as all countries minus Russia and China would likely boycott—the Pyongyang, not to be phonetically confused with Paralympic, Olympic Games would surely be entertaining. For one, gold medals could not be made of gold, as North Korea has none and possesses no trade-agreements with gold-producing countries, and would instead be made of North Korea’s lead domestic product and dietary source—tree bark. Each victor athlete would also leave with their own VHS copy of Space Jam signed by Madeleine Albright and their own DVD copy of Sober House Season 2 starring Dennis Rodman. Furthermore, professional wrestling would make its debut as an Olympic event—as apparently, Kim Jong-Il believed that it was real.

   So folks, dress up in your non-offensive North Korean-friendly garb and come out for a night of constant entertainment and state surveillance. But please make sure not to stand directly in front of a Kim Jong-Il statuette while taking in the view of suppressed freedoms and military uniforms, as such an infraction will lead to a longer stay in the hard labour camps. If you can withstand the torture of the hard labour camps, and you enjoy Stalinist-era surveillance and state control and want to feel lucky about living in Detroit (see below), Pyongyang is the next vacation destination for you! As per state policy, visitors of the games are forbidden from travelling outside of the Olympic Games state-established parameters or from sharing their experiences of the games with others either during the event or afterwards.

Detroit

      1. Detroit, Michigan, U.S.A.

   The capitalist equivalent to Pyongyang is Michigan’s butthole—also known as, Detroit. Already renowned for its unique sights and smells, Detroit is a city of many names: “Hockeytown,” “The City of Champions,” “Motown,” and the “Motor City,” but more recently, “Murderville,” “The 313,” “8 Mile,” “Murder Town,” “Hell on Wheels,” “D-Lish,” “Troit” and “Instanityville in Amityville.” I know what everyone is thinking: how can Detroit, a city that cannot afford to keep the street lights on, host the bobsled and the skeleton? Well, seeing as how the Olympics leave every other city economically downtrodden, broke, and indebted to private investors and developers, I can imagine no city better prepared to take on the economic burden of hosting the Olympic Games than the already bankrupt Detroit.

   Without question (or thoughts), Detroit is the perfect Olympic destination for those looking to travel on a penny and a dime. Seeing as carjackings are as common here as in Juarez, Mexico, you’ll probably save a few bucks on choosing to ride the bus over renting a car. And scratch hotel rooms off your budget and do as the locals do, and simply squat in one of Detroit’s 80,000 abandoned buildings. Indeed, come to Detroit and do as Detroiters do—lose your job, drop out of school, join a gang, and find yourself incarcerated for murder.

   Dress appropriately for the weather—by which we mean wear a gun, a bulletproof vest and a helmet. If you do choose to drive, traffic will be a breeze as Detroit’s ‘super-highway’ system has been left dormant and unused for years—plus, no one stops for pedestrians here! If you grow tired of driving, feel free to pull over and engage in a local tradition by robbing the liquor store. Those already familiar with Detroit’s unique and flavourful culture will likely arrive to their favourite city a few months early for Devil’s Night—an annual tradition that involves the burning of thousands of abandoned buildings and thousands of acts of violent crime, resembling a sick combination of Halloween, Krystallnacht and a scene from Mississippi Burning. Indeed, if you enjoy ubiquitous rape, murder, unemployment, and urban decay, then you will love the sight locations for the figure skating and curling!

Kabul

      1. ca. Taliban-era, Kabul, Afghanistan

   Economists say the true effects of the Olympics on a city aren’t known until decades later, but one immediate boon to a city and a local economy that is virtually guaranteed is in clothing and sports apparel sales—and Kabul, Alfghanistan, will be no exception. We know for a fact, for instance, that Afghani jihabs—the most restrictive beesuit-like headcloth and dress that covers all of a woman’s body but an eye slit no wider than a dime—will fly off the shelves when tourists arrive for the Olympic Games in Kabul, Afghanistan, as by Taliban law woman are ordered to be whipped, beaten, and verbally abused for not wearing them. Only whipping is permitted on women who are brave, or I should say promiscuous enough, to show their ankles (sluts). It remains to be seen how competitors would perform while wearing this restrictive clothing, but it wouldn’t matter much anyways—seing as women would be banned from the games according to Taliban law, and all non-Muslims would be executed upon arrival to the events coordination station.

   Most definitely, some ethical absolutist, cultural appropriationist, and easily offended liberal women will find some of Afghanistan’s laws a little whacky, but the adjustment period should be quick. The rules are simple to understand and even easier to follow. As previously mentioned, women are not to show their face or any part of their body besides their hands and feet, women are not allowed to laugh (makes sense as they’re usually laughing about us men anyways and they could be laughing about our penis sizes, which would be completely unacceptable), women are not allowed to wear makeup (and really one must ask why would she wear makeup when she cannot show her face anyways?), women are also not allowed to ride a taxi without a mahram (requiring foreign women to then determine what exactly a “mahram” is), women are strictly prohibited from riding bicycles or motorcycles (as it is considered a form of infidelity punishable by execution), and finally women must not wear clothes that produce sound (as it is considered a form of loud talking, which is also prohibited).

   On your relaxing, or should I say terrifying, walk from the figure skating venue to the curling rink, as you make your away across unpaved roads littered with IEDs and other land-mines, take a quick reprieve along the way. The intermediate local village has live entertainment for the evening and a cave you can stay in for the cost of a goat’s foot. Go to the theatre and attend with the locals for a one-time only showing of the stoning and beheading of a teacher who tried to teach girls how to read. “But what about security?” is a question you probably should have asked by now. Home to Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind of September 11th, Afghanistan is considered the hotbed of terrorism and Al-Qaeda. There should be nothing to fear with regards to terrorists coming to games if we brought them to Kabul—we would be bringing the games to them (but I thought that was what Sochi was for?)!

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